Stress RS Rating: Yellow
TW: internalized ableism, self-medication, family abuse, partner issues, drugs, negative therapist experience.
i’ve been off one of my psych meds for a week now.
i can’t sleep. it takes me a joint and some tylenol PM to get a few shitty hours.
haven’t left the house since sunday.
can’t eat on my own.
and somehow this is all just evidence that: i’m not really sick, just lazy; i don’t even deserve to be able to get my meds; my partner hates me and is going to leave me; i will have not friends by the time this week is over; i am a shitty friend, a shitty roommate, a shitty partner, a shitty pet. i leave bed once a day before my partner gets home from work. i’ve put all my freelance shit on hold because i can’t deal with it, and am vastly underqualified to deal with it ANYHOW, but not dealing with it makes me feel worse but i can’t deal with it because i’d do a shitty job and mess up important connections. my cat keeps doing things in the main room and i am too flipping out to go and see what he’s messed up.
i have the worst dreams when i am not on my medication.
i have been clenching my jaw so hard because of the withdrawal and the stress i can barely talk.
i think i’m skipping my therapists appointment because i don’t have the ability to take a shower and go (i have not showered in a very long time)
i am super glad most of my friends are going to be out of town and hard to reach this weekend so i don’t have to see anyone until monday when i go to my psychiatrist.
i don’t want to tell him i ran out of pills, i don’t like him, he makes me uneasy, i might fake being sane to get refills.
i don’t know what i want my body to do, ever.
i don’t know who i am and how i wanted to be valued.
i hate dealing with abuse and trauma, i hate that my mother (after long talks about what exactly my home environment was, i.e. SUPER ABUSIVE) still refers to me, in front of my friends as my partner, as having been “the problem child.” i hate my little sister, who only remembers the abuse well enough to imitate it perfectly without knowing how fucked up her actions are.
i simultaneously need my partner to never come home again and be here RIGHT NOW because i feel like shit and i want his comfort but i don’t want him to see me feel like this or inconvienence him by being fucking insane.
i don’t want to see these people again, right now, and i need them to be far away from me.
it’s weeks like these i realize how much internalized ableism i have, and how i am by far the best target for it.